


Doctor Doctor

by greenikat89



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Darth Tantrum and his Evil Space Ginger, Evil Space Boyfriends, First Aid, Groping, Humor, Inappropriate Erections, Kylo you're doing it wrong, Kylux - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2017-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-31 12:58:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6470845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenikat89/pseuds/greenikat89
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by The Force Awakens Kinkmeme: First Order officers are required to get First Aid certified. Kylo and Hux wind up paired together for the hands on bits. Kylo uses this as an opportunity to grope Hux, which prompts Hux to use it as an opportunity to hit Kylo. Mitaka just wants to get the training done with minimal damage to the ship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hux scowled as he checked the seat number before sliding into his assigned spot.   First Order officers were required to get First Aid certified thanks to someone higher up in in the intergalactic occupational safety and health administration. Even the First Order was not immune unless they wanted to pay some heavy fines, and Kylo Ren seemed to make it his mission to tear through the Finalizer’s slush funds.

At least someone competent ran the class, Hux thought. Mitaka was the field seminar leader and Hux respected the other man. He pulled out his datapad to take notes (because anything worth doing was worth doing properly) while other officers filed in and sat down. The seat next to him was blessedly absent, and Hux turned his attention towards the front of the room.

“Thank you everyone for attending this mandatory class,” Mitaka started with an easy smile on his face. “Your compliance in this matter is noted and appreciated, now if-”

He broke off in surprise when there was a commotion by the door and Kylo Ren exploded into the room like an angry, black tornado. “Sorry I’m late,” he said gruffly. His helmet was off and his face looked flushed as if he had run the entire length of the Finalizer.

“That’s quite all right,” Mitaka said politely. “If you could just take your assigned seat we can begin.”

 _No,_ Hux thought when he saw Kylo scan the room with piercing, dark eyes. _No, no nonononononono._ Hux thought of a litany of curses when Kylo spotted him and then stomped up the stadium steps and carelessly shoved people aside to plop down into the formerly empty spot next to him.

“That isn’t your seat,” he hissed and shot the Knight a glare out of the corner of his eye.

Kylo smirked and dropped his bag beside his feet with a heavy _thump_. “I can’t help it if we were assigned seats right next to each other.”

“It’s _alphabetical order_ ,” Hux snapped in a tight whisper.

There was a short cough and both men turned their heads to see Mitaka politely regarding them. “Now if you open your datapad handbook to chapter one, we will go over first aid principles and responses to settings that require interventions.”

Hux fumed and refused to look at Kylo as he concentrated on the lesson. He could feel Kylo restlessly shuffling next to him and he refused to acknowledge the other man. He was going to finish the lesson. He was going to do the training. And then he was going to beat Kylo’s head in if he didn’t stop leaning over him.

“Cut it out,” Hux muttered while tapping out notes. He tried to move away from Kylo’s arm pressed against his as the man looked over his shoulder.

“I forgot my datapad,” Kylo said and scooted closer so they were once again pressed up against each other.

Hux scooted a little farther on his bench. “Well that sounds like a personal problem.” Mitaka was lecturing on about quick responses to first aid that Hux didn’t want to miss. He ground his teeth together when Kylo moved over.

“Let me look on with you,” Kylo wheedled. His breath smelled like caf and Hux wrinkled his nose.

“No.” He scooted over again and ground his teeth a little harder.

Kylo looked determined as he moved even closer so their full sides pressed together. “Come on Hux.”

“I said no!” he snapped and shoved the Knight out of sheer frustration. Hux gave a bark of surprise when he fell off the edge of the bench with a flailing of arms.

A sigh could be heard from the front of the room. “Is there a problem, General Hux?” Mitaka asked.

“I just forgot my datapad,” Kylo answered before Hux could settle himself in his seat again.

Mitaka looked weary. “I’m sure the General would be more than happy for you to look on with him, Lord Ren.”

Kylo beamed and smugly pressed himself against the General once the redhead was seated. “I hate you so, so much,” Hux growled under his breath while Mitaka continued on with the lesson. “You should have been left in a trash compactor as a child.”

Ren didn’t seem insulted as he sat close, breathing loudly and making unfunny comments whenever Mitaka was distracted. It went on like this for an hour before the lights in the room flickered to 80% power. “Okay, now we’re going to pair off and practice hands on skills,” Mitaka announced. “You will break off into pairs and go over some of the methods we have covered.”

There was the rustling of clothing and things being packed away as people stood up and paired off. The benches lowered with a hydraulic hiss to seamlessly disappear into the ground in order to create more floor space.

Hux sighed and tried to keep a grimace off his face for being partnered with Ren. “Let’s just get this over with,” he said and looked at the list of techniques they would have to perform. The first one was the Heimlich maneuver. “Pretend you’re choking.”

“ _You_ pretend you’re choking,” Ren said stubbornly. “I want to be the hero.”

“For the love of – fine!” Hux growled because it was not worth the effort to argue. “Just read off the slides – I assume you know how to read – and follow the instructions.”

Kylo looked monstrously pleased with himself. “Step one,” he read, “determine if the person is truly choking. A choking victim will often have their hands around their throat and a desperate or panicked look on their face.” He looked expectantly at Hux. “Hux, you don’t look like you’re choking.”

Hux sighed and placed his hands around his throat. “Oh no, I’m choking,” he said flatly.

“Choking people can’t talk, Hux.”

The General shot Ren a murderous glare while he mimed choking.

“Step two, immediately reassure the victim that you are going to help them.” Kylo puffed up his chest and sidled closer to Hux. “Don’t worry General, I’ll save you,” he whispered in the redhead’s ear.

He was not going to murder Kylo kriffing Ren. He was not. Hux startled when long arms wrapped around him from behind and pulled him flush against a hard body. “ _What_ are you doing?” he tried to squirm out of the hold but Kylo held on tighter.

“Step three, Hux,” the Knight murmured and splayed his large hands across Hux’s abdomen. “Reach around the victim from behind. Make sure to spread your legs in case the victim falls unconscious and you need to quickly stabilize them.”

“It doesn’t say to grope them, you maniac!” Hux slapped Kylo’s hand when the other man tried to slide his hands up under his uniform. “Just do the stupid training right!” Force damn it, that had better be Kylo’s lightsaber in his pocket.

“I’m not groping you, I’m performing the Heimlich.” He made a fist and settled his other hand over it, pressing it firmly against Hux’s stomach and pulling inward and upward. What should have been firm, quick thrusts turned into aggressive hugging that lifted Hux right off the ground.

“Stop groping me!” Hux shouted and squirmed around like an angry cat nearly spitting in fury.

“I’m here to save you!” Kylo tripped backwards and the two of them went down wrestling on the floor like a couple of scrapyard children.

A pair of shiny black boots came into Hux’s line of sight and he looked up from under Ren to see Mitaka sadly staring down at them. He held a clipboard in one hand and a red pen in the other. “I think lesson one is done for the day,” he said and put a huge red X next to Hux and Ren’s names. “As for everyone else, we will continue tomorrow with our partners to learn how to do CPR.”

Hux prayed for death.


	2. Chapter 2

Hux was determined not to let Ren get to him this time. They were once again sitting next to each other while Mitaka discussed the steps for basic adult cardiopulmonary resuscitation. Kylo was sulking next to him and occasionally jabbed a finger at the datapad in front of him. Hux had brought two this time just in case Kylo had “forgotten” his again.

“Now remember,” Mitaka finished up, “the first step is always check for immediate danger before performing CPR. Then you assess if the person is conscious and if they are not, make sure to contact help.” He clapped his hands together and the holoscreen flickered before shutting off. “With that said please get into pairs and practice.”

 Hux repressed a sigh as Ren eagerly shoved the datapad into his bag. “I’ll be performing first,” he said firmly and his tone brooked no room for argument. The tables once again slid seamlessly into the floor to make more space for people to lie down. “So get on the floor and pretend to be less of a victim than you already are.”

 “Are you this commanding in all aspects of you life, General?” Ren asked and waggled his eyebrows while he got on the floor.

 Hux, being the completely mature adult that he was, did not deign to make a comment. He did, however, kick Ren’s arms so they weren’t pillowed behind his head. Honestly, Ren choked enough people to know what an unconscious person looked like. “Step one,” he said evenly and knelt down next to Ren, “check for breathing.” He placed one hand on Ren’s forehead and the other under his chin so he could lean in close and pretend to listen for a breath.

 Quick as a flash Ren leaned up and kissed Hux on the cheek. “Oh look, you brought me back to life,” he said with his arms around Hux’s shoulders.

 Hux violently shoved the Knight away. “I will kill you,” he said through clenched teeth. “And then Mitaka will give me bonus points for trying to revive a corpse.” He punched Kylo in the gut when it looked like that idiot was about to say something.

 “Remember, this is practice,” Mitaka announced as he wove his way through the different pairs with his clipboard in his arms. “You don’t want to actually hurt your partner.”

 “Step two,” Hux said sweetly above the sound of Ren’s wheezing, “place the heel of one hand on the victim’s breastbone.” He mirrored the diagram from their studies and interlocked his fingers together.

 “Ow!” Ren swore when Hux started the chest compressions. “Weren’t you listening to Mitaka?”

“I’m doing my job,” Hux said and took delight in the quick, forceful chest compressions. “Don’t you want to live so you can continue to serve the Supreme Leader?”

 Kylo made a strangled sound and gripped onto Hux’s wrist. “Not if you kill me.” He tried to shove the other man off.

 Mitaka coughed above them. “General, I appreciate the enthusiasm but perhaps it’s Lord Ren’s turn to practice CPR.” The red marker hovered above his clipboard.

 Hux gave one last forceful press down and thought he heard something snap if the pinched expression on Ren’s face was anything to go by. He suppressed a chuckle before smoothly lying down and straightening his uniform. “Try not to embarrass Lieutenant Mitaka with your poor form.”

 Ren grumbled something under his breath but dutifully listed out the steps and followed through with the motions while Mitaka looked on with approval. Ren’s hands were surprisingly gentle as he did the compressions.

 “Excellent!” Mitaka praised. “I’m glad the two of you are doing much better today.”

 “Don’t you want me to do the resuscitation bit?” Ren asked when it looked like the Lieutenant was about to turn away. One large hand was already cupped under Hux’s chin.

 Mitaka looked a little alarmed. “Um, that’s not really necessary for-”

 Ren leaned down anyway so his lips were hovering over Hux’s. “Don’t worry Hux, I know what I’m doing,” he purred and pinched the General’s nose shut.

 Hux’s eyes widened in outrage when Ren _started to kiss him._ He made to get up when Ren swung his legs over to straddle him. _Cut it out,_ he projected and swung his fist at Ren’s head to knock some sense into him.

 “You need 200CCs of mouth-to-mouth!” Hux’s snapping teeth didn’t seem to deter him as he used the Force to rip open Hux’s uniform shirt.

 “That’s not really a part of the training, Lord Ren.” Mitaka looked distressed as he clutched his clipboard to his chest while watching the rapidly devolving situation.

 Hux bucked his hips to try and get out from under Kylo. “How dare you ruin my uniform!” he twisted his head to the side and yelled. His hand scrabbled along the floor to grab something, and his fingers closed around the strap of Ren’s bag.

 “The patient is delirious. Mitaka, I need the defibrillator!” He nearly toppled over when his heavy bag clipped him in the shoulder.

 Hux’s lips were pulled back into a wordless snarl as he shoved his palm against Ren’s face to hold him back. He was going to _kill him_.

 Mitaka looked down at his clipboard and sadly put two red X’s next to the first set.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just finishing up some old fics I started. :)

Today was the final day of their stars awful training and Hux was determined not to let Kylo get to him. He wasn’t going to make snappy remarks. He wasn’t going to glare. And he certainly wasn’t going to punch that smug face in. No matter how tempted he was. He was going to pass this course and be done with the whole sordid activity.

 

It was with those determined thoughts that Hux kept a stoic expression on his face as Mitaka droned on about the proper way to dress wounds with cloth bandages. He idly tapped some notes on his datapad, although most of his attention was on sending out some missives for supplies and reviewing tactics for an upcoming mission.

 

_Naughty, General._ Ren’s voice slithered in Hux’s mind. The Knight’s voice was pitched low in a poor attempt at – what Hux exasperatedly speculated – was some sort of sultry purr. That idiot must have learned from those tawdry holo-vids floating around on the back pages of the holonet. _How would Mitaka feel if his favorite superior on this ship wasn’t paying attention to the important lesson?_

A muscle jumped in Hux’s jaw. Ren knew Hux hated when he did his annoying mind tricks to speak to him. Hux tapped a little more forcefully on the pad.

 

_There’s other things you could be focusing on instead._ Ren continued and pressed their knees together under the table. _Maybe have some fun with those cloth bandages in our medical kit._

Hux would bet any amount of credits that Ren was waggling his eyebrows at him. The General inwardly sighed and gave in. _Ren,_ he thought in clipped tones that clearly conveyed how utterly disgusted he was at the other man, _do yourself a favor and cut out this nonsense right now. Just shut up. Take your kriffing notes. And get away from –_ “Me!”

 

The entire hall looked at him and Hux had to fight down a furious blush that he’d squawked the last part of his sentence out loud. He’d been startled by Kylo suddenly pawing him under the table. His large hand was like a hot brand high up on his thigh next to his crotch.

 

Mitaka politely cleared his throat. “Sir, thank you for ah, enthusiastically volunteering for the last part of the session.”

 

_Poor Hux, you feel so tense. I could help with that._ Kylo’s hand was massaging the muscles of his thigh.

Hux did feel a slow blush creeping up his neck. He scowled to cover his flustered state. It wouldn’t do to have the subordinates see him sink to new unprofessional levels. “Quite, Mitaka,” he said tersely. It is important for the crew to learn by a leader.”

 

Mitaka nodded, seemingly unaware of what was occurring in front of him under the table. “Excellent, well if the two of you could come up front for the demonstration we can get started.”

 

That was the last thing Hux wanted, but he couldn’t do anything about it now. He subtly stomped on Ren’s foot under the table before he got up and stiffly made his way towards the table down at the front. He could feel Ren’s amused look boring into the middle of his back.

 

“Now if one of you could hold out your hand and the other grab the clo– well, all right then,” Mitaka fumbled when Hux snatched the medical kit off the table before Ren could get to it.

 

Hux stared hard at Ren, sensing the other man was about to say something idiotic when they didn’t have time for this. _Get on the table and give me your hand,_ he thought evenly.

 

_Going to propose to me in front of your officers_? Ren raised one eyebrow at the furious color blooming on Hux’s cheeks.

 

The General ground his teeth together to prevent himself from hurling the entire kit at Ren’s head. _Get. On. The table._

_Why General, I would have worn my best robes for the occasion._ Ren continued in delighted tones as if he hadn’t heard the other man. _Could Supreme Leader Snoke officiate? I’m sure he would approve of our union to make the First Order stronger._

Mitaka delicately coughed into his hand at the stare-off. Two sets of steely eyes snapped to his and he gave a wan smile. “If we could proceed, gentleman?” he weakly asked.

 

Ren’s shoulders shrugged in a fluid motion before he easily got up on the table and tugged one glove off. He tucked it somewhere in the voluminous folds of his cloak. “If you will, Hux,” Ren said imperiously and held out his hand.

 

“Right, well we’re going to demonstrate how to wrap a small injury with your standard medical kits,” Mitaka announced and did his best to ignore the pair. “You start by putting the end of the cloth bandage on the inside of the patient’s wrist, below the bottom of their thumb, and wrap the bandage straight around the wrist twice.”

 

Hux dutifully followed instructions with his eyes firmly on Kylo’s obscenely large hand that was heavily calloused from whatever mystical training he did with Snoke. Wrapping the bandage around again and again to cover the hand, he made sure to pull extra tight with each pass. Ren didn’t give any indication it was hurting him, but Hux knew the bandage wasn’t comfortable for the other man.

 

“And you’re done!” Mitaka said once Hux had tied off the end near Ren’s wrist. “Now the important part, for everyone to remember, is that you must check for proper circulation as you don’t want the bandages to be too tight.” He gestured towards the pair. “What you need to do is press your fingernail into one of the patient’s fingers for five seconds until it goes pale.”

 

Hux viciously jabbed his pristinely manicured nail into Ren’s skin with vicious satisfaction when Ren subtly winced.

 

“Now if the color doesn’t come back in two seconds, then the bandage is too tight and you’ll need to loosen it and do it again.” Mitaka leaned over his clipboard to observe Ren’s hand. And waited.

 

And waited.

 

And waited.

 

Mitaka felt sweat prickle against the back of his neck. “I think-”

 

“-that we need to move onto the last exercise,” Hux cut in smoothly. “Excellent idea. I’m so glad I could demonstrate this helpful procedure for the officers.” He gave a pointed look at Mitaka.

 

Staring into Hux’s eyes was like staring into a sun; it was both beautiful and awful in its intensity and brilliance. “I…yes, let’s move on,” Mitaka agreed and flipped through some slides as an excuse to look away. “The last section is to demonstrate what happens if you need to assist in medical aid when you do not have the proper supplies on hand.”

 

Ren moved up off the table so fast that Hux thought the other man had teleported next to him. “Allow me to walk the officers through it,” Ren drawled. He fisted the front of Hux’s uniform for leverage before slamming the General down on the table.

 

“WHAT are you doing?” Hux barked in outrage and tried to scrabble away from Ren’s that were like heavy weights pinning in place.

 

Mitaka had a death grip on his clipboard. “Oh second thought, I…I don’t really think that this demonstration is necessary, Lord Ren,” he said in a pinched voice above the shocked murmurs of the officers.

 

Ren gave Mitaka a quelling look before addressing the room. “If you do not have the tools necessary for health and safety procedure then remember these three things: Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.” He dug his fingers into the fabric of Hux’s jacket, and before the Genreal could yell out a response there was a loud ripping sound.

 

Hux’s body flushed hot in spiked anger, hands turned into pointed claws angled towards Ren’s throat.  He was going to _murder_ him. “MY UNIFORM!”

 

“IMPROVISE!” Ren repeated while continuing to shred Hux’s tunic into bandage-width strips and dodging his hands. “ADAPT!” He ignored Hux hissing at him like a wild animal, instead quickly swinging one long leg over the bucking man to hold him down. He almost got a finger bitten off when he tied a strip around Hux’s nasty mouth. He had more weight on Hux, although it was difficult to pin down the wiry man to him up in knots.

 

Fists were flying, Hux was screaming, and Ren was sweaty and red-faced with a manic gleam in his eyes. It all ended abruptly when the tangled pair fell off the table and landed in a heap at Mitaka’s feet.

 

Ren tossed his hair out of his eyes. “Overcome,” he said smugly while straddling a shirtless and furious hog-tied Hux. “And _that_ is how you bandage a patient without proper medical supplies.”

 

Aside from Hux’s heavy breathing through the gag, there was dead silence in the room. Mitaka trembled in his boots and tried not to stare at how Lord Ren was very obviously groping the General’s sleekly defined muscles. The twin red X’s next to Lord Ren and General Hux’s names seemed to pulse from his clipboard. His red pen hovered over the third box in indecision before the metal table behind him inexplicably cracked in half with an unseen force. He nearly jumped out of his skin. “You pass. The both of you.” He changed his pen to green and scribbled down two check marks. “Please leave. Sirs,” he quickly tacked on in a thin veneer of politeness.

 

A slow leer bloomed on Lord Ren’s face, and it was honestly the most terrifying thing Mitaka had ever witnessed.

 

“If you’ll excuse us.” Ren easily picked up the silently howling General with one hand and deposited him over his shoulder.

 

_I am going to eviscerate you and throw your miserable body in the trash compactor,_ Hux snarled. His body was held stiffly with as much dignity as he could manage while tied up and helpless in front of his officers.

 

_You can do that after I demonstrate more of what I learned in these medical trainings._ He patted Hux’s extremely tantalizing ass. _I think I need a more…private practice._

The doors closed quickly after the pair and Mitaka sighed. Maybe the first aid certification was better left to the medical droids.

**Author's Note:**

> Someone please help me. These suggestions are out of control and I can't stop. You can read the full prompt here: https://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/3961.html?thread=8721017#cmt8721017


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